I am writing cause I am tired of trying to get through to a wall

Andrew "forgot" his spelling at school. I sent him back to the school to get it and about20 minutes behind him I sent his brother so he wouldn't have to walk home alone in the dark. His brother got into the school talked to his old principal and teacher and came home without his brother because he couldn't find him.

Five minutes later little brother walks in and says he couldn't get into the school

I would have driven his butt back there myself but my van blew a head gasket today much like I am about to do tonight. Needless to say I am without wheels til payday and the man is out hunting with his dad again!

Turns out he didn't do the stuff he was behind on last week that I have already grounded him for. So now what am I to do? I extended the grounding and yelled til I am hoarse but honestly I don't think it has done a bit of good and the spelling still isn't done.

If it was one assignment I wouldn't be so concerned but it is about 8 of them. Turns out the little bugger has been lying to me about how much homework he has had for months and only now is the teacher informing me (via the agenda which gets forgotten as much as the spelling) and he is going to end up with incompletes on his report card as a result.

Then he hands me the French test. 85 out of 56 !!!! I am one livid mom right now because he tells me that he doesn't know any of it. His duo-tang is virtually empty of the info on the test and he doesn't have his text book home to do his corrections.

All this while I am trying to apply for a second job and second guessing my need for money versus my need to be home for these kids after school.

I already have one son failing his courses that I have no control over because he lives with his father. Am I really supposed to let another child become a failure because he is as lazy as his gene pool? (Cruel but true in so many ways) I don't get it at all as even in school I was ambitious and more worried about getting in trouble for not having it done that I was worried about having to do it. Even today I bust my tail to meet my deadlines when I have deadlines to meet. I even bring home the work I can't get done at work.

I am so MAD right now and I can't do a damn thing about it. I guess I could go cry at least then I wouldn't have this pent up frustration ready to explode.

Pass the kleenex will ya please I am going to need it.

Sunday Morning Snippets

1. The man and the ex got their moose last weekend. A 1000 pounds dressed! Should fill our freezer for the better part of the year. I can't wait until we can have our first moose roast.

2. The weather is quickly turning from dry to damp. We have only had one snowfall so far but the fogs have been thick enough to make everything damp and cold.

3. I have been sleeping a lot lately. More than I should be and have turned my self around so much that I find it hard to stay awake unless I am up doing something. I am going to focus this week on going to bed much ealier than I have been and see if I can set this right without having to see the doctor about it.

4.I have almost completed my dad's Christmas gift. I struggle each year to find something unique and inexpensive. This year I am making a DVD of my photos for him that he can jsut throw into the DVD player and put on like a screen saver when they have company or just want to have something in the background.

5. I need to get the above completed so I can get my butt in gear on my christmas cards. I have made my templates for the majority of them but they will be time consuming no matter how I do them. I may end up doing the handmade ones only for my team and family instead of for everyone. I saw some cute easy to make ones the other day so I may do those too.

6. We started our Christmas shopping and we know what we are getting the kids we jsut haven't figured out if it will be on credit this year. I am hoping to avoid putting anything on the cards but we will see what happens.

7. We will not have our usual designer tree or center piece this year. Instead we may go get one from the bush and make a wreath and center piece of our own. Anything to save some money over the holidays is going to help.

8. I am not sure if the boys are going to go north to see their dad this year. My hours at work make driving there and back to drop them off tough and the cost of sending them on the bus is worth a couple of large gifts. Their dad might have to work the whole time too and they were there last year so they will understand and can spend spring break with him instead.

9. my house needs cleaning. I should be doing that now but instead I am here wasting time so I don't have to face the dirt. I swear the only way to clean this house is to stop buying stuff that we don't need. We really need to become more simplistic in our wants and needs. As the kids get bigger so does their stuff and there is just no room for it.

10. We are cleaning out our storage unit making everything fit into a smaller unit. It is amazing the stuff I have kept and paid to keep for the last 3 years. We are making many trips to the dump getting rid of the stuff and going through the stuff we thought was worth keeping finding out it wasn't worth keeping at all!

Ok I am off to do what I must I can't believe I made it to 10 without much effort. Maybe random thoughts are the way to go.

Hugs

Melancholy

I am struggling tonight with feelings of melancholy and sadness.

If you read my blog last week you know we were going through some major issues here on the homefront. I am happy to say that it appears most of it has been settled and with the exception of a few classes that the man and I are going to take to help with coping with child conflict I am pleased to be able to say all the kids are safe and sound at home and there are no charges being laid.

We learned a valuable lesson from it all and will be better parents as a result. It has just been very difficult being under the microscope for the last couple weeks. The man is still pretty mad about the whole thing but I think that is more because of his guilt than the rest. He is going to need to really work on his relationship with the boy to get through this without holding a grudge. The point I keep trying to get across is that while a truth was stretched it was the truth and not a fabrication of a lie and there is the root of the problem that there was a truth to tell.

Last week there was also a death in my ex-husbands family. A man I didn't know well but his son is a very important person in my life and I felt it was important to be there. I made the plans with my ex to travel with him and to attend the funeral. It was the first function I would attend with him since we seperated and while we are still best of friends it was pretty obvious the situation could be awkward for everyone else. The man gave me a good ribbing about spending the weekend out of town with the ex. There was good humour in his comments but there was also some insecurity in his ribbing and that caused me some stress knowing that I needed to be at this service for my own reasons but that the circumstances could cause some tension in my relationship.

The service was nice but it brought many memories with it of the loss of my father in law in '92. My sister-in-law on one side of me and my ex on the other there was unspoken emotion as the piper played amazing grace and the family shared the stories of the man they knew as dad and pops. It was also hard to see the emotional reactions of all his loved ones and family, knowing that I will have to deal with all they are going through at some point and I am not emotionally stable enough to even consider it. It was truly good to see everyone and it was hard too. They were my family for so many years and now I am the ex-wife that doesn't fit into the niche anymore. I thank God my sister-in-law understood because she stayed close most of the afternoon.

We left around 3:30 with a 5 hour drive home in front of us. The ex and I were both tired an emotional. We talked a lot about things that didn't matter and avoided the things that did because while we are best friends we are not each others soul support anymore and what I am feeling needs to be shared with the man not the ex. It was a good drive with no snow through the mountains and only some fog to deal with. We got home just as the boys were going to bed and after watching the hockey game I booted it to bed around 11pm exhausted.

The man and the ex left this morning for a hunting trip. Odd yes but it is good for all of us that they are building a friendship that doesn't have me at the core of it. It is good for them and it is good for the relationship they each have with the kids and with me. I feel in the long run the better relationship the two men in my life have the better we will all be for it. Besides it gives each of them a chance to complain about all my faults to someone who understands!

Today was a hard day for me I was emotionally drained and quite honestly slept more than I was awake. I didn't have a chance to talk to the man last night about everything I needed to and tonight I talked to his ex about all that happened last week. She told me how much the man has changed since she knew him and how his personality, since meeting me or since having cancer she isn't sure which, has changed. She says he had a very even temper and wouldn't get upset for love nor money. That shocked me as the man I met had a screen name of sadistictemper and is not the calmest man in the world. He is expressive and not afraid to speak his mind and its one of the things I fell in love with when we met. His mom is the same as is his brother so to me it wasn't much of a stretch to think that he would be the same. It was hard to hear given the recent situation and is something I think he and I need to explore further because if my boys and I have caused the changes then something needs to be done to help that, be it counselling or whatever.

When the man called tonight it was like a dam broke. I could feel the heartache and the anxiety that he is hundreds of miles away until Tuesday night and right now I really need him to be close. I didn't let on that I was upset but I am sure he knew something was wrong when I told him I needed him home soon and he has just got there.

I also found out tonight that I have all 4 kids on Tuesday. Due to the holiday I was only supposed to have my 2 for the time Dean was gone. I was looking forward to the quality time with just my boys and I am dissapointed that I won't have that time. I am also aware that there is tension when "dad" isn't home for the other two and that I don't have the patience to be a single parent to four kids for even a few days. Dean does! I do not! I figure Nana will step in at some point even though I took the days off so she wouldn't need to be here at 4am on my work days. She understands there is tension here sometimes too and she does her best to break it when she can. I was hoping to take my boys to the zoo on Tuesday to get some photos but i won't be able to do that this week as I can't afford for all 5 of us to go when it isn't a payday weekend. I will have to find something else to do with them for the day.

All in all I have just had so much going on in my head that I can't keep it straight and I am not sure I did it any justice here because stupidly I keep wondering what the people who read it might think. Maybe I should have switched to pen and paper but I won't delete it now. I have worked too hard to put it on the screen.

I will maybe put the rest to paper but for now I will go watch my show and go to bed.

Hugs